This off-season marks my 19th year as a coachās wife, 10th as a head coachās wife. If youāve read any of my other Married to Football posts, youāll know, Iāve wrestled through this life with both glory and pain. I donāt think my story is any different from other wives, but writing about mine has been very therapeutic for me. It helps me process the things that are hard to understand at first glance. As we approach this season, I am processing a feeling I haven't felt before in our football life and the shock that forced me to confront those feelings.
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What is this feeling?
In this 19th off-season Iāve realized Iām in a place Iāve not been before. My normal and natural enthusiasm for football season is not gone, but rather not as easily aroused. Itās taken me a while to fully acknowledge and confess what might be going on within me.
I do believe I have become somewhat apathetic to our football life. (Little did I know what was comingā¦)
Itās crazy for me to admit that because I truly do love our football life! I canāt imagine any other way of living. Well, I can actually, but I donāt really desire our life any other way.
An Attitude of Apathy
A year ago a visiting preacher at our church gave a sermon called, āYeah, yeah, I know.ā He poked fun at the fact that many people of faith come to have an attitude of apathy about the core aspects of Christianity that are actually mind-blowing. Itās an important message to not allow myself to get too comfortable with my faith and one that has stuck in my mind as a reminder to engage.
This spring I ran into another head coachās wife in the aisle of the grocery store. Weāve known each other a LONG time, like before kids, before head coaching jobs, back when we were brand new in marriage and football and young professionals. We are always glad to see each other, and as head coachās wives we have a particular connection. Without saying that much, we can look at each other, hug, take a deep breath and just know how the other one is probably doing or feeling. Sometimes even just a caring glance into one another's eyes conveys āYeah, yeah, I knowā and thatās all you need to feel seen.
I canāt speak for her, but after her many years in football I wonder if she knows the feeling of apathy too. At some point, the sparkle fades a bit, youāve literally seen and experienced it all, and it feels a little like deja vu every August.
The Ordinary
The highs and lows, ups and downs of football really shook me to my core in the early years of being a head coachās wife. You can read about it in this post on Dealing with Disappointment or this on Desperation. But these days, Iām a bit numb to them. If Iām truly honest with myself Iāve realized Iām actually apathetic to it.
As I heard about the happenings of our football season this past off-season, Iāve found my mind quietly responding, āyeah, yeah, I know.ā
Our 7-on-7 tourney is this date.
The fishing tournament is this weekend.
Mmm hmm. Got it.
Thereās trouble in the ranks. We need a new coach.
Yeah, yeah. Itāll work out.
You get the idea.
Whereās my enthusiasm? Whereās my excitement for preparing for the upcoming season? Why do I no longer care that much about #gamedaystyle ? Why arenāt the details mattering to me or motivating me to go all out?
Iāve been doing this a long time. Not much surprises me anymore. My expectations on my life have adjusted, happily, to our football life. Itās fun. Itās a rhythm. Itās very comfortable.
But then I got a shock to my system.
Shock to My System
During this past off-season, on a Saturday evening, I found myself in the pediatric ICU unit of our local level 1 trauma hospital with one of our senior players on a hospital bed before me. Coach and I sat on either side of this young man, someone our whole family knew well. He had been badly injured in a car accident and suffered injuries that were certainly going to impact his life for the near future.
After the hospital staff had all left and the 3 of us remained, the heaviness in the room quickly penetrated my hopelessly optimistic outlook. It became very clear that he needed to speak freely to me and coach, and he unloaded the difficult emotions he was experiencing and described the excruciating pain he was in.
As Coach began to pray for this precious young man, he motioned that he wanted to hold my hand. I slid my palm into his strong defensive lineman's hands and he squeezed it almost uncomfortably hard. I began to cry along with him as I tried to empathize with his suffering and felt how deeply we loved him. When it was my turn to pray, it felt more like begging our great God to bring him comfort and healing. Please God! Come!
I am happy to report that this player is doing so much better today. In fact, at our spring game (about 3 months after the accident) he came walking up to me, slowly but with no assistance, and gave me the best hug. My heart just gushed with gratitude.
Itās ironic to me that I started writing this post on apathy one week before this accident happened. Ironic is probably not the right word. Itās heavy on me ā¦ whatever the feeling is.
Love is the End
At any moment of this life, the football switch can be toggled off and the ministry switch turned on. In fact, theyāre actually coexisting together at all times, itās just not always obvious. Football is the means, love is the end. This is true of any calling, and profession, any career, and job.
So at this time in my coachās wife story, I am no longer looking for anything and everything to be excited about. Fun was the medicine I needed for a long time to feel connected, and that is totally fine.
Now, 19 years in, I am trying to look for ways to truly love others. How can I show the authentic love of Christ towards others in this football life? How can I plant a seed of love in someone that one day may grow to love others? Iām praying that God shapes my heart to be like His.
Interesting (or maybe not - you tell me!) I have realized this is something I really need to work on. See, I am a natural, extroverted encourager. Sometimes God just downloads things to my head that I think someone needs to hear. I LOVE encouraging people almost to the point of awkwardness. Yes, Iāve said some things to people that I donāt think they were interested in hearing.
Love is a Verb
What Iām learning here is that I think encouraging and loving people are different. I'm in a season where God may want to teach me how to truly love others. Speaking encouraging words to someone is like breathing to me. But really loving them and being inconvenienced to do soā¦ that may need some work.
As I wrestle with this I cannot help but accept that itās impossible to be apathetic towards something that you are actively choosing to love. Thanks to DC Talk, I know that love is a verb.
Apathy is defined as a lack of interest, enthusiasm or concern.
Love and apathy cannot coexist toward the same thing or people.
My choice to love others in my football life is a choice to also deny apathy any power in my heart.
Live By the Spirit
A verse that God gave to me this spring is Galatians 5: 25 -
If we live by the Spirit, let us also keep in step with the Spirit.
I try to imagine that when I walk into situations, like the football stadium, I am looking for where the Holy Spirit is moving and walking so that I can match my steps with His. By doing this, the passage before this verse says that the fruit of the Spirit will grow in me, the first of which (and 1 Corinthians 13 says is the greatest) is love.
I am a super visual person so this imagery is helpful to me. Iām thankful the Bible uses everyday imagery to teach us how to walk with the Lord. I need it.
The other verse that God gave to me right before this season started is Hebrews 4:16 -
Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.
What I have seen in this verse for this season is that I can come boldly to God with ANYTHING, at ANYTIME, and he will give me more mercy and more grace - not strength or grit or ingenuity - mercy and grace. Thatās what I need to walk through this season. More reliance on His endless source of mercy and grace, not mine.
For Seasons of Ordinary
Perhaps you are also in a season of apathy over something that used to be such a vibrant part of your life. For both of us, I pray we continuously look to walk in the step with the spirit to see where we can choose love over apathy. And when we come up short, which we will, may we not succumb to the āyeah, yeah, I knowā mindset, but rather run boldly to the throne of our Father who promises us more mercy and grace again and again.
